Last week while I was reading my daughter Sophia a bedtime story, her sister Ella snuck into the room with a blanket over her head and crawled to the side of the bed. Suddenly, both girls jumped on me and started tickling. After we had a good laugh, I settled them down enough to finish Sophia's bedtime routine.
When it was Ella's turn, Sophia copied her sister by sneaking into Ella's room. But it was getting late and I was looking forward to a few minutes to myself.
"Ella got to surprise you. Why not me?" Sophia asked. She stomped away and returned from her room with a frown and a dry erase board held in front of her chest. It read: "Mene dady. It is not fare."
I tried to be serious, but I'm a sucker for misspelled insults. Sophia wasn't amused and continued pouting. That night, my wife, Tanya, shrugged and said, "Well, life's not always going to be fair." It made me wonder: Should we strive for fairness in our family?
If children born to the same parents were strictly a product of their external environments, all siblings would turn out the same. We know, however, this is not true. Parents can distinguish differences early in their children's lives and are forced to adjust their behavior accordingly. In a child's eyes, this might amount to favoritism.
Tanya and I don't favor one child over another, but Ella and Sophia's age difference and contrasting temperaments make complete equality impossible. Ella sometimes stays up later and has sleepovers. Sophia goes to a movie with just Mom. Ella gets new shoes. Sophia goes skating with Dad. Sometimes they want what the other has, and jealousy presents itself. "It's not fair," is a common refrain.
Our job as parents is to prepare our children to handle the real world, including its cruel realities. Despite our best intentions, society doesn't dole out equal shares of rewards and punishments. A devoted family man loses his entire portfolio in the stock market and struggles to feed his family. A tsunami destroys an entire village of hardworking fishermen. Nice people get sick. Criminals go free. The world moves forward, whether we think things are fair or not. In the presence of injustice, real or perceived, it's our responsibility to either do something about it or accept it.
Eventually, our children will develop and grow into their own personalities. When that happens, they will diverge from their parents and one another. Jobs, relationships and other life situations will present themselves. Not all of them will be fair, and Mom and Dad won't be around to sort it out. I want my children to understand that while they can't always control what happens around them, they can control their own reactions.
I returned to Sophia's room and explained to her that sometimes Ella feels jealous of things she gets to do and that life won't always turn out even-steven. Mom and Dad do their best, but in all fairness, it's not so easy.
