Generation Gap

I realize this is a conversation most parents my age have already had, in some form, with their kids. But as I sit in our hot tub on the backyard deck under the stars with Ella, my 14-year-old, I realize I have to record this momentous exchange in some way because it's simply too rich not to.

Below is an almost-but-not-quite-verbatim account of our tête-à-tête.

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Ella: When did you first get a computer?

Me: I think I was about 12 or 13.

Ella: Oh, so about the same time most kids get their own cell phones now. (I spared her the embarrassment of correcting her. Most kids are way younger that that.) What did you do on it?

Me: Mostly video games, some word processing. We did other things. You know, played outside? Games...

Ella: (clearly seeing where I was going with this, but ignoring my trolls): What about the internet? You know, the World...Wide...Web? (Sassy smile.)

Me: I don't remember getting on the internet till I was almost done with college. Around the mid-nineties.

Ella's eyes widen, her mouth gapes to the size of an orange.

Me: We did have email in my second year in college, I think, but we were given an ID number and an email address that we could only use on school computers. It was so cool to be able to email someone a message, like, "Hey! Wanna have lunch?"

Ella (Unable to hide her condescension. Or maybe it was pity.): Wait. Wait a minute. You didn't...you didn't have internet on your computer at home?

Me: Nope. The first time I got on the internet I was about 20 or 21, maybe. Jodi (my sister) had a computer, so I went on at her house. And I remember looking up physical therapy stuff, being fascinated at all the information I could access. The connection was slow, though. It was dial-up.

Ella: What?

Me (At this point, feeling like a nursing home resident recounting watching Howdy Doody for the first time on the old Zenith): You had to connect to the...what do you call it, the server? You connected through a phone line and had to wait like a minute, sometimes longer, to get online. It made a funny sound. (I imitate the sound of dial-up. Ella looks like she just inhaled a gallon of lemon juice.)

Ella: How did...how...how did you do your assignments? Research?

Me: I went to the library.

Ella (clearly amused by my nostalgia): And...did what? Look in—

Me: Yup, books.

(Ella completely...not kidding here...incredulous.)

Ella: I don't know if I could...even...do that. I mean, that would make me so uncomfortable. How did you...find the books you needed?

Me: I guess in a catalog or something, don't quite remember.

Ella (like seeing a sunrise for the first time): Oh. My. God. So you had to, like, find information in books! Okay. How did you talk to your friends?

Me (laughing): Face to face. Or we called them on the home phone.

Ella: What about your friends from out of town? Did you, like, have to...SEND LETTERS???!!

Me: Sometimes.

Ella (Basically falling over): But that could take like 6 days, and by then the information wasn't even relevant anymore!

Me: (Don't want to correct her on her naive overestimation of Canada Post's efficiency so I just remain embarrassingly silent.)

Ella: How did you talk to your friends if they weren't home?

Me: We called their house and left them a message.

Ella: (Mouth hanging like a spring had snapped)

Me (ready for impending awe): On their answering machine, I guess.

Ella: (Predictably, speechless. The, after she has semi-recovered): I'm curious. How did you find airplane tickets?

Me: We called the airline, I guess, and bought them over the phone.

Ella: You did WHAT??!!

Me (awkwardly buoyed by my own rapidly progressing senescence): Yeah, and they actually sent you a ticket in the mail!

Ella: I like having my boarding pass on my phone.

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Ella exits the hot tub and wraps herself in a towel, face framing the same electric smile I've adored since she was only a few months old. She goes inside and immediately picks up her phone, no doubt checking the dozens (hundreds?) of Snaps and texts and other vitally important data she has received in the 20 minutes we were outside.

Her mind is surely still reeling from the bombshells I've dropped. Yet before she tumbles down that unstoppable cataract of connectivity into the roiling eddy of iPhone-induced dopamine, she slides open the kitchen window and waves at me, eyes now open to the archaic past of her 43-year-old dad.

Ella's evanescent soul shines countless wavelengths brighter than any blue screen ever will. And because of that, I'm certain that our connection will forever stay a half-step ahead of technology.

"My First Mortgage"

Ella reeeaaaallly wanted—no, needed—a new phone. 

"The one you have works fine," I said, bracing for impact.

"It locks up! It doesn't have enough storage space! Aaargghhh."

"And it's paid in full. I'm not paying $700 for a Seven when your Five will do." Breathe, Andrew. Breathe. "You're 14. You don't need a new phone every two years."

A long pause. "I'll buy it myself."

And that's when it hit me. My high school freshman is more of an adult than most adults.

What ensued over the next few days was a back and forth that taught me a lot about the kid I thought I knew so well. The discussion had all the elements of a mature tête-à-tête one might expect between two cogent, reasonable people: differing points of view, compelling arguments, hesitation, angst, frustration, and finally, compromise. Next thing I know, I'm at the AT&T shop fingering my awkward, looping John Hancock on on iPad. 

And Ella's texting mom on her new iPhone 7 Plus.

The one she paid for herself.

Like most teenagers, Ella doesn't have $700 sitting around burning a hole in her piggy bank. She knows she's not allowed to dip into her college account or the glacially growing investment account I started for her years ago, tossing in birthday money and other scraps every few months. That's for things like maybe a car, a backpacking trip during college, or maybe even a downpayment on a home at some point.

We decided she would transfer me the exact payment—$25.34—for exactly 30 months until the phone was paid off. She would work at babysitting or whatever odd jobs she could find to make the money. She was still required, as per our prior rules, to put half of whatever she makes into her savings account. The old "pay yourself first" thing. And if she missed an installment, Collections Agent Dad would take her phone until she came up with the money.

I tried to convince her to get the smaller iPhone 7 for about three bucks less a month, but she wasn't having it.

I tried to get her to spend a few more months putting away four or five months worth of payments for a little cushion.

But no dice. Ella had basically signed up for a mortgage, just like adults buying a home or an expensive car, fully aware of the terms and conditions. Only without the credit check or the pay stubs. Her phone is, predictably, stuck to her hand pretty much most of the day.

It sounds worrisome, until you accept that this was not an impetuous decision. Ella knew the pros and cons, the requirements, the possible consequences, all the "fine print." So far, she's two payments in, right on time, and has babysitting jobs lined up for the rest of this month. Maybe I can stop worrying.

Back to School? Get That Head Checked!

The bell has rung: schools in Colorado and Wyoming are officially in session. Parents are hoping that head lice don’t become part of the curriculum.

School means daily contact with other kids for extended periods of time, much more than during the summer vacation months. This brings with it some, um, itching concerns. According to FDA statistics, 6 to 12 million children are infested with head lice every year, and 97% of cases are spread by head to head contact.

Before getting entrenched into those busy school routines, it’s wise to have your children checked by a trained professional, says Tanya Kensley, owner of Lice Clinics of America—Fort Collins, a full service lice treatment clinic. The initial screen takes only about 15 minutes but, Kensley says, it can save enormous costs—time, energy and money spent on ineffective over-the-counter treatments—down the road.

“If you are unsure how to do it yourself or what you’re looking for,” Kensley says, “have it done professionally. We recommend knowing for sure that your child is starting the school year lice-free.”

School also brings with it before- and after-school programs, extracurricular activities, and sports, all of which increase the chance of direct contact with another child who might have lice. And, the expert says, the best way to treat head lice is to prevent it from happening in the first place.

“Our one-treatment-and-done solution is FDA approved, free of harsh chemicals, and only takes about an hour,” says Kensley, who adds that she offers preventative sprays, specialized combs, and a complete at-home treatment kit as well.

Lice Treatment Clinic Offers Medicaid Discount

New Resource for Low Income Coloradans

Lice Treatment Clinic Offers Medicaid Discount

FORT COLLINS, CO—Treating head lice successfully can be a costly proposition. Believe it or not, some lower income Coloradans affected by the itch-inducing bugs might even be forced to choose between helping their child stop scratching and buying groceries for their families.

Tanya Kensley, owner of Lice Clinics of America—Fort Collins, is doing everything she can to help make that decision less agonizing for those on a tight budget. Patrons with a valid Medicaid card can now receive nearly 50% off the standard price tag for the one-time, guaranteed lice removal treatment Kensley offers.

“I receive a lot of calls from people who tell me they’ve already spent upwards of $100 on over the counter products that just don’t work,” Kensley said. “A lot of families don’t have money to waste but they desperately need a solution, especially when multiple family members are battling lice.”

With as many as six to 12 million people worldwide contracting head lice every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Kensley said that the stubborn little bugs have become resistant to most over the counter products. This has led many people to repeat potentially dangerous home chemical treatments upwards of four times per child.

The lice treatment expert is quick to point out, however, that lice do not discriminate based on income or socioeconomic status. Some people, she contends, just need a bit of extra help.

“No one suffering from lice should be priced out of an effective treatment, no matter what their income level,” Kensley said. “Community is important to me, and I want to help my entire community—not just those with higher disposable income—achieve peace of mind.”

Since initiating her discount, Kensley said she’s treated a total of 21 people who may not have been able to come in otherwise. One of whom, a mother of four named Catarina, was elated.

“I won’t spend one more dollar on products that don’t work,” said the Greeley, Colorado, resident. “I’d already spent over $50 at the drug store and it didn’t work. When I found out about the guaranteed treatment for $99 I was so happy.”

About 19 percent of Larimer County residents and 24 percent of those living in Weld County, which includes Greeley and Windsor, currently receive Medicaid benefits, according to the Colorado Health Institute. And in Wyoming, 39 percent of children are enrolled in the state’s Medicaid program, based on data from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Such numbers are certainly cause for concern. But Kensley is doing her part to help reduce scratch levels for low-income families for years to come.

Tanya Kensley can be reached via email at info@liceclinicsfortcollins.com, or by phone at 970-233-8787. Lice Clinics of America—Fort Collins is located at 1501 S. Lemay Ave, Suite 205, in Fort Collins, CO.