Persistence vs Pigheadedness

Last month, I gave a talk to Ella's class on the writing process. Befitting a group of second graders, there were a lot of questions. A boy named Jake asked if I ever got frustrated enough to make me want to quit writing.

"Absolutely," I said.

Jake's hand spiked up again. "Then why don't you?"

I thought for a moment, embarrassed at my inability to immediately answer the query. I stammered, blurting out phrases like "try hard" and "follow through," but I couldn't quite come up with an answer I was happy with. "I'll think about it," I told them.

The class seemed satisfied but later that day I pondered why indeed I don't quit after spending five hours working on one sentence, or after receiving dozens of rejection letters for my fiction. It certainly can be frustrating, and my time might be better served doing something less challenging, like yard work or laundry.

I wondered: Is it ever OK for a parent to encourage their child to give up?

No parent chooses to have children who quit when the going gets tough. However, we all make difficult choices in our lives, some of which involve walking away. Persistence can turn to pigheadedness quickly, and the results aren't always positive. We want to teach our kids that effort pays off, but sometimes it takes more strength to quit than to keep going. Think of physical confrontations, toxic relationships and a cold blackjack table at the Bellagio.

There is a difference between quitting and completing. We are responsible to see that our children give an acceptable effort, but we also should advise them when to move on and try something better suited to them. If they exert a reasonable effort and still don't like what they're doing, perhaps it's not the right activity for them. It's better to seek something they enjoy than to give a less-than-appropriate effort at something they don't.

Ella wasn't crazy about ballet and wanted to quit in mid-season. My wife and I made her finish the full session and didn't sign her up for the next one. She has since chosen to try soccer (two seasons) and now guitar (one year and counting) and we're prepared to support more. If we had made her continue dancing, she'd probably be a good ballerina. But would she have thrived doing something she didn't love?

Sometimes, we have to prod Ella to practice guitar, but she enjoys it once she begins. She likes her teacher, has always loved music and hasn't yet expressed an interest in quitting. If she decides she wants to stop, I'll cautiously encourage otherwise, however, sadly.

As far as the writing goes, the reason I don't quit is that I simply love to do it, and following dreams takes persistence. So here's my advice to Jake and the rest of Mrs. P's second-grade class: Hard work always pays off if you really love what you do.