The Discipline Dilemma

The other day my 8-year-old daughter, Ella, was telling me about something that happened at school when Sophia interrupted her. Ella was indignant.

"Excuse me, Sophia, I was in the middle of speaking. Do not interrupt me," she said. After a breath she continued. "When I have kids, that's what I'm going to say. I'm going to discipline them."

Young children need constant guidance and, as Ella pointed out, discipline. There are many philosophies about teaching right from wrong. Having said that, Ella's comment brought to mind an interesting issue. What does discipline really mean?

For many of us, the D-word conjures images of snapping belts, raised voices and bottom spankings. But the Latin root of the word, discipulus, means student. Another variation, disciplina, translates to "instruction" and not, as is commonly thought, punishment.

My wife and I, like all other parents, deal with dozens of situations on a daily basis that require some form of teaching, correction and consequences. Some incidents are more dire than others (crossing the street without looking versus skipping chores) but all are important. There's a fine line between punishment and teaching, and all parents make a lot of mistakes.

In a 2010 national research poll from C.S. Mott Children's Hospital, 22 percent of parents said they likely are to spank their children, 88 percent choose to reason with their children, and 70 percent tend to take away privileges. And while each parent's choice is based on their own experiences and preferences, it is crucial to be informed before we act.

Many organizations, including the American Psychology Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics, advocate against the use of physical means for discipline, citing overwhelming evidence of negative consequences.

In 2002, the psychologist Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff, Ph.D, of the National Center for Children in Poverty at Columbia University, published an analysis based on 62 years worth of data.

She looked for associations between corporal punishment and 11 child behaviors and experiences. She found "strong associations" between corporal punishment and all 11 behaviors, only one of which was deemed desirable: immediate compliance on the part of the child.

The undesirables included physical abuse by a parent, child aggression, and criminal or antisocial behavior in both childhood and adulthood.

Research also has shown that after punishment, children avoid the action that led to the punishment but don't always understand why. If our goal is to teach our children to be responsible citizens who understand the difference between right and wrong, then exerting our physical power over them doesn't equate to discipline.

Aggression of that nature serves merely as an outlet for frustrated parents. Indeed, it takes more time and energy to educate a child than it does to hit them.

I felt Ella's attempt at discipline might have been a little harsh. "Ella," I told her, "Sophia shouldn't have interrupted you, but she's not your daughter, she's your 5-year-old sister. In the future, leave the discipline to me and Mom."

Hopefully, Ella and Sophia both learned a lesson.