The Excitement of One

My daughter Ella had a sleepover with one of her third-grade classmates, Mikiele who, unlike Ella, has no siblings. Over dinner, Mikiele told Tanya, "I need more excitement in my life."

"Why?" my wife answered.

Mikiele shrugged. "Life's not that exciting with just a mom and a dad."

Tanya and I have two daughters. I have a sister. Tanya has two. Both of my parents have siblings. All my close friends have brothers or sisters. Considering my limited exposure to the relationship challenges of one-and-done situations, Mikiele's frank assessment of her family dynamics made me think: Are only children inherently disadvantaged? Are parents who stop at one child being selfish and unfair?

For most children, parents are the primary educators, at least before starting school. But I credit my older sister, Jodi, for teaching me vital skills like how to climb out of my crib and up the stairs, how to talk and read and generally how to behave in the world. Even now, while we manage our own families, Jodi and I are close friends and valuable resources for each other. The same goes for Tanya and her sisters.

Mikiele will never experience that kind of relationship. It doesn't mean that she's doomed to be over-privileged, selfish, aloof or maladjusted, often-used yet completely unproven myths about only children (often called singletons or onlies). In fact, she may end up better off than most of us. Recent research suggests Mikiele is more likely to score higher on her SATs and get into a better college than my kids, or any others with siblings.

In a 2010 article in Time magazine about the myths of only children, Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology and sociology at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote that singletons aren't measurably different from other kids in terms of personality. The major differences, Falbo wrote, are that onlies tend to benefit from a lack of "dilution of resources," which means that their parents have more money, time and energy to offer for extracurriculars like music and sports. This tends to lead to high expectations, but also to more self-confidence.

But before parents make a decision regarding the final tally of humans in their house, they must also consider the following: the U.S Department of Agriculture reports the average American child costs about $286,000 to raise before college. The American Pregnancy Association website says only two-thirds of all pregnancies in the U.S result in live births. Adoption can be prohibitively expensive and stressful. So the size of a family, like everything else in life, isn't always in our control.

The presence of a sibling undoubtedly changes the dynamic of a person's development. I feel fortunate that Ella and Sophia have each other, just as I feel fortunate to have my own sister. But judging from a historical sample of successful singletons - Franklin Roosevelt, Lance Armstrong, Condoleezza Rice, Isaac Newton, Frank Sinatra - Mikiele need not worry about a lack of excitement.

The Beauty of March Madness

My daughter Sophia and I were watching a college basketball game on TV last week when she asked, "Dad, how come all the players have dark skin?"

I pointed out that four of the 10 players on the court did not.

"Well, every time we watch basketball together, most of the players have dark skin," she said.

"Never noticed," I lied.

I always thought kids began to acknowledge differences in skin color once adult prejudices infiltrated their minds. So you can understand my surprise at Sophia's observation. I wondered: Was it better to simply ignore racial differences or broach the subject now?

According to the Racial and Gender Report Card, an assessment of hiring practices of women and people of color in U.S-based sporting organizations, 78 percent of players in the National Basketball Association in 2011 were black. Given that most NBA players attend U.S. colleges before being drafted, my 6-year-old was probably just stating the obvious. But there's more to this issue than recognizing skin color.

A person's appearance or background has no bearing on their innate personality or intelligence, yet racial disparities still exist in everything from socioeconomics to athletics and everything in between, and probably always will to some extent. We should certainly dismiss prejudices as irrational and oppressive, but we may be doing our children a disservice if we don't at the same time enlighten them to the fact that differences should be celebrated.

My concern is not that Sophia and her older sister, Ella, will suddenly decide to shy away from anything or anyone different; I'm worried about what happens when someone tries to tell them that uniqueness doesn't matter. I want them to be prepared to argue the opposite.

Jeremy Lin, a guard for the NBA's New York Knicks, is a perfect example of how minorities are dealt with in America and how far we still have to go. His meteoric rise to stardom endeared him to the media, who continually described him as a Taiwanese-American, not just a basketball player who made the most of his circumstances. In doing so, they missed the real opportunity in this situation.

Instead of merely pointing out the obvious, the media or even Lin himself could have seized the chance to educate the public about his family's Taiwanese culture and background. Rather than superficially repeating Lin's origins, which had nothing to do with his athletic skills, we all could have learned something valuable, a reward unto itself.

All races, creeds and nationalities possess unique cultural values that come from generations of practice, many of which have eased their way into everyday American life. Examine your daily routine and you'll recognize a favorite hobby, art form or food that originated somewhere else. Hints: yoga, Mozart and burritos.

At the current accelerating rate of globalization, it's only a matter of time before it will be mandatory for us to embrace all of civilization's unique pieces. In my house, it starts with watching March Madness.