The Excitement of One

My daughter Ella had a sleepover with one of her third-grade classmates, Mikiele who, unlike Ella, has no siblings. Over dinner, Mikiele told Tanya, "I need more excitement in my life."

"Why?" my wife answered.

Mikiele shrugged. "Life's not that exciting with just a mom and a dad."

Tanya and I have two daughters. I have a sister. Tanya has two. Both of my parents have siblings. All my close friends have brothers or sisters. Considering my limited exposure to the relationship challenges of one-and-done situations, Mikiele's frank assessment of her family dynamics made me think: Are only children inherently disadvantaged? Are parents who stop at one child being selfish and unfair?

For most children, parents are the primary educators, at least before starting school. But I credit my older sister, Jodi, for teaching me vital skills like how to climb out of my crib and up the stairs, how to talk and read and generally how to behave in the world. Even now, while we manage our own families, Jodi and I are close friends and valuable resources for each other. The same goes for Tanya and her sisters.

Mikiele will never experience that kind of relationship. It doesn't mean that she's doomed to be over-privileged, selfish, aloof or maladjusted, often-used yet completely unproven myths about only children (often called singletons or onlies). In fact, she may end up better off than most of us. Recent research suggests Mikiele is more likely to score higher on her SATs and get into a better college than my kids, or any others with siblings.

In a 2010 article in Time magazine about the myths of only children, Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology and sociology at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote that singletons aren't measurably different from other kids in terms of personality. The major differences, Falbo wrote, are that onlies tend to benefit from a lack of "dilution of resources," which means that their parents have more money, time and energy to offer for extracurriculars like music and sports. This tends to lead to high expectations, but also to more self-confidence.

But before parents make a decision regarding the final tally of humans in their house, they must also consider the following: the U.S Department of Agriculture reports the average American child costs about $286,000 to raise before college. The American Pregnancy Association website says only two-thirds of all pregnancies in the U.S result in live births. Adoption can be prohibitively expensive and stressful. So the size of a family, like everything else in life, isn't always in our control.

The presence of a sibling undoubtedly changes the dynamic of a person's development. I feel fortunate that Ella and Sophia have each other, just as I feel fortunate to have my own sister. But judging from a historical sample of successful singletons - Franklin Roosevelt, Lance Armstrong, Condoleezza Rice, Isaac Newton, Frank Sinatra - Mikiele need not worry about a lack of excitement.