My daughters and I were driving down Shields Street and passed the Elderhaus, which provides day programs for adults with disabilities or special needs. Ella, my 9-year-old, asked me why a grown-up would need day care.
“Sometimes when people get old, they need help, like little kids,” I explained. “And it gives the people who take care of them a little break. It can be stressful to care for someone around the clock.”
I thought for a moment, then asked, “Would you take care of me and Mom when we get old?”
Ella replied, “I’ll have my own kids!”
Thankfully, Ella’s 6-year-old sister, Sophia, eased my concern. “Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll take care of you guys.”
I wondered: is it fair for parents to expect their grown children to take care of them in their old age?
Caring for young children and the elderly require many of the same skills: time, patience, money and a lot of physical and mental energy. But no one expects children to change their own diapers or teach themselves how to make a sandwich. We also know that within a few years, kids become independent and, for the most part, manage themselves. By that time, parents should be free to enjoy their free time, as well as middle-age and retirement years without the burdens of keeping someone alive and healthy.
Not so fast.
While we all strive to live long, healthy lives, aging brings challenges that affect older people as well as their caregivers. Things don’t always work out as planned.
Aging takes responsible planning, reliable support and a little luck.
Bodies fail, and money doesn’t last forever. Dementia and disease can debilitate someone quickly, necessitating round-the-clock care for basic daily activities. Without dutiful parents, the aged are forced to depend on another source. Certainly, grown children who live nearby are an option, but they have jobs and lives and, as Ella intimated, their own children.
The ideal solution, I suspect, is different for every family. I may have to help my own parents someday, and my sister and I would do what was necessary to preserve their dignity.
I would love for my kids to be able to help me and Tanya when we get old, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable expecting it. We spend countless amounts of energy helping our girls maximize their potential so they can enjoy their lives.
Helping me in the bathroom isn’t quite what I had in mind.
In my job at the hospital, I’ve witnessed many situations where families become stressed because of the medical needs of an ill, aging parent. Thankfully, there are places like Elderhaus to ease the burden. They don’t relieve caregivers completely, but it’s enough to let them recharge. Depending on what life hands us, that may be the best we can hope for.
And as I told Ella and Sophia: I don’t expect them to give up everything for me, but I’d sure be happy to have them around.
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