Surprise!

"Everybody up, we're going on an adventure."

Those were Tanya's words last Wednesday morning, October 17, at 5:45am. The kids got dressed and hustled into the car as ordered. They worked on solving their word puzzle—Sophia cried a little because it was hard for her and also because she couldn't find her shoes—but they finally solved it.




Boarding passes to San Diego in the seat pockets in front of them. And off we went!

Spent 4 nights in San Diego in a great deal of a 1 bedroom condo literally steps from the beach, SeaWorld, bike riding down to Mission Beach, lots of stops for ice cream, boogie boarding, surfing...tons of family fun. I highly recommend San Diego as a family destination. Easy to get around, took the bus and trolley (which was not only way cheaper than renting an unneeded car, but also more fun) everywhere that was too far to walk.



All in all, the trip was great family bonding time, saw some sights, and learned about getting around in a new city. My only fear is that we might have set a precedent.

Beaching it!

Ella, Tanya and Sophia

Sandy girls

Where to go next year...

Kids and Politics...What The...?

Two hours before the first presidential debate, I tried to educate my daughters on what the event was about. President Obama and Governor Romney would answer questions from a moderator, but essentially, they would argue with each other for 90 minutes. Here are the finer points of our discussion:

Ella, my fourth grader, thought the men should just be friends.

Sophia, who’s 6, disagreed. “I would love to see them argue and yell at each other!” she said, and punctuated her comment by the type of screaming she presumed would ensue in the battle.

Ella then changed her tune. “Maybe they’ll start wrestling!” she yelled. When I told her that would be unlikely, she agreed. “Yeah, they’ll be in their business suits.”

After a good laugh, I wondered if parents should engage their young children in discussions about politics. If the answer is yes, what’s the best way to do it?

Love it or hate it, politics affects us all. From the economy to social issues to foreign policy, we put our faith in the hands of our elected leaders, with the hope that they will represent our interests. We don’t always agree with what they say or do, but we’re free to voice our opinions.

Adults have the benefits of life experience and developed brains, and are capable of making informed voting decisions. Children are different. Until they are able to process and comprehend complex information, their worldview depends mostly on what their parents tell them. This can be dangerous if we display heavily biased behavior. 

Gleaning truth from political discussions, which is thick with nuance and insinuations, is elusive enough for adults. We’d all rather not have to sift through the mounds of rhetoric to get to the point. Nevertheless, the security of an authoritative word provides comfort, more for children than adults. 

It’s hard to provide both sides of every issue. We all take sides, leaving parents with the difficult task of imparting neutrality. The problem is that without filters, we risk shaping how our children think before they can do it themselves.

Ella and Sophia know how Tanya and I lean politically; we don’t keep it a secret. We also want them to know that both candidates are, at heart, good people with the best intentions. And just because they look mad at each other during the debate, doesn’t mean they are enemies. Democracy isn’t always pretty. 

As we see in every election, promises rarely turn into reality. But the essence of politics, I’m learning, is not about who’s right, but rather who most people think is right. It’s human nature to identify with a common opinion, and to savor the hope derived from it. Whatever political party my children choose to support in the future, I want them to experience that feeling.

Ella watched five minutes of the debate, a flurry of complaints, interruptions, petulance and semi-truths. “Pretty boring, right?” I asked her.

She nodded and went to bed, probably as satisfied as most adults who were watching.

Good Cop Bad Cop...Who Are You?

The other day, Sophia approached me with a cautious look on her face. “I know you’re going to say no, but I’ll ask you anyway. Can Ella and I have more chocolate?” she asked.

I answered as my 6-year-old had predicted. Her older sister Ella then turned to me and said, “Mom’s a lot nicer than you are when we ask her for stuff. She always says yes.”

While Tanya and I sometimes take different approaches, we agree on the major issues, like being kind, the value of education and making healthy food and activity choices. But Ella’s blunt assessment on our differing levels of permissiveness made me wonder: In a two-parent household, can it be healthy to have one “good cop” and one “bad cop?”

Tanya is far from overly permissive, but she tends to be more easygoing than I am about letting our girls have an extra piece of chocolate or a few more minutes in front of the television. She doesn’t do it just to be known as the “nice” parent; Tanya feels that as long as it’s the exception and not the rule, she’s not too concerned about long-term damage. I admit to being more strict, but I also don’t worry that an occasional extra sweet or late bedtime will scar my kids for life. Fortunately, we tend to agree with each other most of the time.

Parents are individuals, not robots programmed to follow checklists. We act and react, and are subject to whims and emotional manipulations. We want to be liked by our children, and often seek their approval as much as they seek ours.

Sometimes we just need a break from being in charge.

Every household is a microcosm of society in general, with variations in individual styles and personalities. Perhaps, in the same way that parents sometimes split up activity roles with the kids—one may be crafty and the other sporty, for example—we should embrace our different levels of flexibility. Kids like knowing what to expect, even if that means expecting something different from each parent.

And every now and then, when parents stray from their expected roles—Dad let us watch the WHOLE movie! Mom did a flip off the diving board!—the element of surprise can be a powerful tool in developing a strong relationship.

Just as Tanya can be pretty firm when it comes to discipline, I’m not always Mr. Rigid. In fact, I think sometimes I even surprise my wife by letting loose once in a while.

Dairy Queen for everyone — on a Wednesday!

I must admit, I was honored by Ella’s remark on my strictness. I appreciate that she acknowledges my authority. And maybe being drawn to Mom’s soft side now could prove to be beneficial when they get older.

Tanya came home from work and we ate dinner. The kids asked her, not me, if they could have dessert. She thought about it, and we shared a silent glance across the table.