New Adventures Need to be Nurtured

Earlier this year, Sophia had a play date on a Sunday with her friend Megan. Megan’s family normally goes to church so Sophia went with them. The kids played in the youth section, but at one point Sophia lost sight of her friend and became nervous; she didn’t know any other kids.

Last week, my wife Tanya had mentioned a desire to take the kids to church every now and again as she missed the spirituality and sense of community. Sophia was not interested.

“I thought you had fun the last time you went,” I said. “Didn’t you play with other kids?”

“No, it wasn’t fun at all. I couldn’t find Megan!” Sophia replied.

After hearing Sophia’s reasoning — nothing to do with the church experience itself — I wondered: How do we convince our children to do things they don’t want to do, but we know might benefit them?

Religious services or, for that matter, extracurricular activities in general, aren’t necessary for survival. They can, however, be beneficial to a child’s development. It’s not always easy to convince a child of the long term benefits of what we have planned for him or her. It takes patience, creativity and sometimes, trickery.

Depending on the situation, we coerce, cajole, convince, compromise, or bargain to get our kids to do what we tell them is best. When diplomacy doesn’t work, we’re left with good old fashioned dictatorship. All of those methods have their place, but choosing the most appropriate one takes practice. And failure is inevitable.

None of us is born with a clear understanding of our emotional needs. (I’m still figuring mine out.) From emotional or physical discomfort, to feeling unsafe, to a fear of the unknown, young children especially are subject to numerous factors that can make novel experiences harrowing. Also, 6-year-olds like Sophia tend to form opinions quickly, which are often based on one experience.

When choosing our plan of attack, it’s important to remember that even though we assume we know best, kids are sometimes smarter than we think. I’ve been surprised by their insight on many occasions. Still, parents are in charge for a reason. Experience matters, and children crave guidance.

Behavioral manipulation is a parental staple, but we need to be prepared to accept the consequences of our actions. Give in too soon, and our kids might miss out on valuable development opportunities. Push too hard, and we risk losing their trust. Either way, adolescence and adulthood have ways of magnifying issues that start years earlier.

Life provides many adventures that, if based on the first go around, many of us would not repeat. That initial session with the personal trainer, trying Brussels sprouts, or public speaking engagements come to mind. Even adults can require convincing.

My first grader and her older sister, Ella, need help to develop their spiritual, intellectual and emotional faculties, and new experiences are a good place to start. Sometimes kids are beyond convincing, but the discussion might end up being as important as the activity itself.