Stereotypes Begin and End at Home

Tanya surprised Sophia with an early seventh birthday present by taking her to get her ears pierced. When I joked that I would do the same, Sophia’s sister Ella told me I was crazy.

“Actually, he’s not,” Sophia said, “Mom’s hairdresser has both of his ears pierced.”

My fourth-grader appeared offended. “But he’s nice!” she exclaimed, as if Sophia had insulted the man.

Plenty of men wear earrings nowadays, so much so that most of us don’t even notice. But I was more concerned with the greater issue of stereotypes. They can be powerful, especially to the young and impressionable. How should we approach this issue with kids?

Like it or not, we all are biased. We constantly make assumptions about people’s appearances — from tattooed arms to tailored business suits to morbid obesity — based on our own experiences. These prejudices can be powerful enough to alienate others and sometimes even dangerous. This takes on added importance for parents because we are often a child’s introduction — and first defense against — stereotyping.

Peers and the media also play vital roles, of course. But as easy as it is to teach a child boys and girls are equal, or skin color or hairstyles don’t impact a personality, the opposite can occur just as easily. Home is where prejudice can begin and end.

Children learn a ton before they start school or can even comprehend today’s incessant media barrage. If Mom or Dad says boys shouldn’t take ballet it will be taken as truth until it’s disproved by someone else. I wonder if I said something to make Ella think boys who wear earrings may not be nice. Was I unknowingly perpetrating stereotypes?

Being Jewish, I’ve been the object of assumptions that fall somewhere between laughable and hurtful. I’m also guilty by joking with my friends about my propensity for seeking bargains or my comical ineptitude with home or car repairs. While my friends are more concerned with my personality than my heritage, I do sometimes feel uncomfortable participating in jokes about my own background considering throughout history, specifically during the Nazi regime in Germany, such unrestrained stereotypes contributed to far more grave consequences.

The longer stereotypes are allowed to persist, the more chance they have of embedding themselves itself into our consciousness. And regardless of age, race, ethnicity or any other target, we are all humans first, desperate to belong, and will do anything to make ourselves feel good.

I don’t want to be hypervigilant about everything I say to my kids, but I don’t want to unwittingly blurt out things that are insensitive, harmless as they may seem at the time. Context, too, can play a role, but using excuses like that to justify behaviors can be perilous.

After dinner, Tanya emphasized that piercing one’s ears is merely an individual preference and doesn’t affect whether someone is mean or nice. I think Ella and Sophia understood, but I still might try to be more careful.

Let Freedom Ring

Tanya and I have a friend named Ann Marie who is single and has no kids. She is as worldly as they come, having taken trips to places such as southeast Asia and Antarctica. She recently hosted a party to show her photos and videos from her most recent adventures in Namibia, Zambia, Botswana and South Africa. I brought Ella and Sophia with me to watch it.

“Does Ann Marie have kids?” Ella asked.

“No.”

“A husband?”

“No.”

“Oh, so that’s why she goes on all those amazing trips!”

Ann Marie’s lack of a husband or kids gives her the freedom to roam. She can devote her time and energy to whatever pursuit she pleases, go where she wants when she wants and is ultimately responsible for only her own survival. Essentially, the opposite of a parent.

Ella’s inference made me think: Does having a family eliminate freedom?

Raising children generates many experiences that can banish even the most flexible personal life into exile. But after enduring the trauma caused by years of sleep deprivation, getting thrown up on, listening to unstoppable tantrums and putting one’s own life on the back burner, I’ve learned that there are indeed rewards for turning babies into functional adults. They’re just different than for nonparents.

Tanya and I still need time away, whether it be a date night or a few nights out of town. But even when our children were very young, we tried not to sacrifice too much of what we liked to do. Our freedom, whatever it amounted to, was too important.

Like Ann Marie, we love to travel. We’ve taken many plane rides (some were, I must admit, quite miserable), sailed on a cruise (Sophia, nearly 2 at the time, was sick for four days), and on one family vacation I suffered a week of sleepless nights and exhausting days on a tiny island with no possible escape.

There are still many trips we’ve yet to take, with and without the kids. However, for a host of reasons (financial, school, time — to name a few), it’s still not feasible right now to take those dream vacations to the Greek Islands or Machu Picchu, or a whole year off to explore the globe.

So we compromise.

Road trips stay under eight hours. Vacations top out at a week and involve grocery shopping and taking the bus. Basically, more Disney and less Delhi. But with each shorter and more tame adventure, we get a different kind of enjoyment, one that comes with watching children explore on their own in a way that suits them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that for a child, a two-mile hike can be just as much fun as a ten-miler, and a beach in San Diego isn’t really all that different from one in Spain.

I’m always at work trying to figure out our next adventure. The only restriction is my own creativity. The freedom we’ve compromised has been replaced by a different kind. And I’m OK with that trade.