Stereotypes Begin and End at Home

Tanya surprised Sophia with an early seventh birthday present by taking her to get her ears pierced. When I joked that I would do the same, Sophia’s sister Ella told me I was crazy.

“Actually, he’s not,” Sophia said, “Mom’s hairdresser has both of his ears pierced.”

My fourth-grader appeared offended. “But he’s nice!” she exclaimed, as if Sophia had insulted the man.

Plenty of men wear earrings nowadays, so much so that most of us don’t even notice. But I was more concerned with the greater issue of stereotypes. They can be powerful, especially to the young and impressionable. How should we approach this issue with kids?

Like it or not, we all are biased. We constantly make assumptions about people’s appearances — from tattooed arms to tailored business suits to morbid obesity — based on our own experiences. These prejudices can be powerful enough to alienate others and sometimes even dangerous. This takes on added importance for parents because we are often a child’s introduction — and first defense against — stereotyping.

Peers and the media also play vital roles, of course. But as easy as it is to teach a child boys and girls are equal, or skin color or hairstyles don’t impact a personality, the opposite can occur just as easily. Home is where prejudice can begin and end.

Children learn a ton before they start school or can even comprehend today’s incessant media barrage. If Mom or Dad says boys shouldn’t take ballet it will be taken as truth until it’s disproved by someone else. I wonder if I said something to make Ella think boys who wear earrings may not be nice. Was I unknowingly perpetrating stereotypes?

Being Jewish, I’ve been the object of assumptions that fall somewhere between laughable and hurtful. I’m also guilty by joking with my friends about my propensity for seeking bargains or my comical ineptitude with home or car repairs. While my friends are more concerned with my personality than my heritage, I do sometimes feel uncomfortable participating in jokes about my own background considering throughout history, specifically during the Nazi regime in Germany, such unrestrained stereotypes contributed to far more grave consequences.

The longer stereotypes are allowed to persist, the more chance they have of embedding themselves itself into our consciousness. And regardless of age, race, ethnicity or any other target, we are all humans first, desperate to belong, and will do anything to make ourselves feel good.

I don’t want to be hypervigilant about everything I say to my kids, but I don’t want to unwittingly blurt out things that are insensitive, harmless as they may seem at the time. Context, too, can play a role, but using excuses like that to justify behaviors can be perilous.

After dinner, Tanya emphasized that piercing one’s ears is merely an individual preference and doesn’t affect whether someone is mean or nice. I think Ella and Sophia understood, but I still might try to be more careful.