Reading Minds

Last week, my wife, Tanya, read a story to our daughter, Sophia, and her cousin, Samantha. One line in the book made a reference to knowing what a person is thinking. Samantha, who is 5 years old like Sophia, said, "I can read my mom's mind."

"Really?" my wife said.

"Yes. I always know what she's thinking even when we're not together. I know she's thinking about how much she loves me."

We often think of mind reading as an esoteric phenomenon, like it's something only psychics can do. But we all do it every day. Unconscious behaviors and body language convey valuable information in the absence of words, and kids are expert decoders. Samantha's comment made me wonder how attuned our children are to our emotions, no matter what or how much we say. Can we trust that our kids will decipher our true intentions regardless of our words?

I think most young children are like my niece: little balls of instinct and intuition. They are unburdened by preconceived notions and cultural biases, things that typically anchor adults. They sense our sincerity (or lack thereof) and let us know how it affects them, positively and negatively.

We don't spend our days discussing how we feel about each other and what we can do to ensure everyone is satisfied. Yet, we still manage to wake up most days confident and secure in our relationships. Why? Because of the multitude of unspoken hints like random hugs, concerned looks and the simple act of spending time together. This is especially true in the nuclear family setting, where parents and children spend an inordinate amount of time together on a regular basis.

As far as Samantha was concerned, her mother, Jennifer, was always thinking about how much she loves her. While that might be true to an extent, Jennifer also has adult issues to deal with on a regular basis. When she's at work trying to meet deadlines and finish important tasks, she's probably not daydreaming about how much she loves her daughter. Yet somewhere along the way, Samantha picked up on her mother's unconscious behaviors - loving and heartfelt, no doubt - and that's what stuck in her mind.

All parents and children deal with their share of conflict and stress, from work to school and everything in between. We all, at various times, express feelings (verbal and nonverbal) that are less than loving. But as long as the majority of our behavior demonstrates the safety and comfort that our kids expect and deserve, we barely need words at all. And since children learn most of what they know from us, we need to demonstrate what we hope for them to learn.

Tanya was intrigued by Samantha's confidence. "How do you know that your mommy is always thinking about how much she loves you?"

Samantha thought for a moment and, eyes still focused on the book in front of her, replied, "I just know it. Every day."

Enough said.