Parental Evolution

Sophia decided in January that she was ready for sleep away camp this summer. Her older sister Ella will be going with her, but Sophia knows that Mom or Dad won’t be there at night or any other time during her week away.

My first-grader, who just turned 7, has always enjoyed her bedtime snuggles. So you can imagine my surprise when, before bed a few weeks ago, Sophia said, “Dad, you can go. I’m going to skip snuggles tonight. I need to get ready for summer camp.”

I was surprised, proud and a bit sad. Sophia made the independent choice to prepare herself for more than just a week away from home. And as she gradually gets ready for the rest of her life, I have to wonder what my role will be. Will I have to change as much as she does?

From sleeping through the night to making friends to plowing through 700-page Harry Potter books, growth happens fast. And while we’ve endured some tough moments — falling down the stairs, tantrums, and playground drama come to mind — my kids seem to be enjoying their rapid maturation. They’re gaining invaluable confidence on a daily basis, possibly because each new phase also increases their freedom from their parents.

The process is exciting but also a bit frightening. The older they get, the faster the changes seem to occur. All you parents will surely nod your heads when you read this: it seems like just yesterday Sophia was begging me to stay with her in bed until she fell asleep. Now, I get dismissed from the same snuggles I’ve been performing since she’s been able to form the words to request them.

I’m aware of how vital parents are for helping kids develop good habits in everything from sleeping to moral character. We can certainly spend a lot of time and energy planning for every milestone. But the changes happen faster than we can recognize them. It’s hard to know for sure when one stage ends and another begins.

If I’m to let my children fulfill their destinies, my role in their lives will need to evolve. If I stubbornly cling to the notion that they’re always going to want me around in the same capacity, I’ll be in trouble. The trick is figuring out how my growth trajectory can coexist with theirs.

When the pre-teen years roll around, I’ll be the shuttle service. When I need to pretend to tolerate their boyfriends, I’ll try to be polite so my daughters can make their own relationship mistakes. And ultimately learn from them.

I’m already dreading some of those inevitable stages, but I have to continually remind myself that all parents go through the same issues. If there’s anything constant in this world, it’s change. We can fear it or embrace it, but it happens anyway.

Tanya later told me the same thing had happened to her a few nights earlier. I felt better knowing I wasn’t alone, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that snuggle.