Time Alone...Force it or Not?

Ella was telling me about an elaborate “family” game she played at recess with her fourth-grade friends.

It involved about a dozen kids, and the details were too convoluted for me to keep track of. I changed the subject and asked Sophia, my 7-year-old, what games she played at recess that day.

“I played by myself,” she replied. “Natalia was playing with someone else. So I did some cartwheels and flipped around on the playground. But I was OK with it.”

Sophia has a lot of nice friends and has always managed well socially, occasional playground drama notwithstanding. She’s also sensitive and expresses herself when her feelings are hurt. So I was a bit surprised when choosing to play alone didn’t bother her. Still, her comment did make me wonder: Should parents encourage their kids to spend time alone, or is it not our business?

Humans are social creatures. From the family unit to sports to work, we generally are better supported in teams. Some of us, however, are both capable and willing, to be left alone. Quite often, I am one of those people.

I’m comfortable interacting with friends and family, and I appreciate the importance of trusting others (sometimes) to get jobs done. But I also enjoy hiking in the mountains by myself, or being alone for hours while driving, reading a book or writing.

There are advantages to being able to function alone — for all ages. We develop skills like problem-solving and creativity, and are forced to learn about and trust ourselves.

Someone may not always be around to help, and it’s important to be able to manage on our own in situations at school, work and travel, to name a few.

But if kids choose to be in a group most of the time, will they lag on developing their independence? The question itself may be moot.

As a parent, I teach and encourage behaviors I deem important. Ultimately, my kids will do what they prefer based on their personalities, regardless of what I say.

If they enjoy spending time with their friends, it probably wouldn’t be prudent for me to discourage that in favor of self-reliance. Plus, it’s probably a bit too controlling.

Life is full of circumstances where we may find ourselves isolated for a long time: car breakdowns, travel snafus, relationship break-ups, for example. I admit I don’t want my kids to be lacking in coping skills should these situations arise.

But their lives will be full of opportunities for new learning. And being stuck in strange, challenging and unique situations — all alone — can be a perfect catalyst for the growth I’m trying to impart anyway.

Children without siblings have no choice, at least when they’re at home. As such, functioning alone is an accepted part of their life. And when I think about it, demanding that a child to spend time alone, even for a short time, is analogous to forcing an only child to have a temporary sibling. That doesn’t make much sense, and I’m OK with that.