Persistence vs Pigheadedness

Last month, I gave a talk to Ella's class on the writing process. Befitting a group of second graders, there were a lot of questions. A boy named Jake asked if I ever got frustrated enough to make me want to quit writing.

"Absolutely," I said.

Jake's hand spiked up again. "Then why don't you?"

I thought for a moment, embarrassed at my inability to immediately answer the query. I stammered, blurting out phrases like "try hard" and "follow through," but I couldn't quite come up with an answer I was happy with. "I'll think about it," I told them.

The class seemed satisfied but later that day I pondered why indeed I don't quit after spending five hours working on one sentence, or after receiving dozens of rejection letters for my fiction. It certainly can be frustrating, and my time might be better served doing something less challenging, like yard work or laundry.

I wondered: Is it ever OK for a parent to encourage their child to give up?

No parent chooses to have children who quit when the going gets tough. However, we all make difficult choices in our lives, some of which involve walking away. Persistence can turn to pigheadedness quickly, and the results aren't always positive. We want to teach our kids that effort pays off, but sometimes it takes more strength to quit than to keep going. Think of physical confrontations, toxic relationships and a cold blackjack table at the Bellagio.

There is a difference between quitting and completing. We are responsible to see that our children give an acceptable effort, but we also should advise them when to move on and try something better suited to them. If they exert a reasonable effort and still don't like what they're doing, perhaps it's not the right activity for them. It's better to seek something they enjoy than to give a less-than-appropriate effort at something they don't.

Ella wasn't crazy about ballet and wanted to quit in mid-season. My wife and I made her finish the full session and didn't sign her up for the next one. She has since chosen to try soccer (two seasons) and now guitar (one year and counting) and we're prepared to support more. If we had made her continue dancing, she'd probably be a good ballerina. But would she have thrived doing something she didn't love?

Sometimes, we have to prod Ella to practice guitar, but she enjoys it once she begins. She likes her teacher, has always loved music and hasn't yet expressed an interest in quitting. If she decides she wants to stop, I'll cautiously encourage otherwise, however, sadly.

As far as the writing goes, the reason I don't quit is that I simply love to do it, and following dreams takes persistence. So here's my advice to Jake and the rest of Mrs. P's second-grade class: Hard work always pays off if you really love what you do.

Mexico Dispatches

Me dancing at the Grand Mayan pool...without my wallet

Most family vacations contain some kind of challenge. Most of the time it involves the kids. Someone gets hurt, sick, loses something important...the possibilities are endless. On our family vacation to the Riviera Maya for Spring Break, the kids were fantastic. Dad was the one who caused all the problems.

There was the “lost wallet” incident.

And the “swimming cell phone” incident.

And best of all, the “Getting-lost-in-Cancun-at-night-and-running-the-red-light-and-getting-stopped-by-non-English-speaking-policia” incident.

Sophia, my 5-year-old, saved the day on that one. Go figure.

Yes, I lost my wallet. I either left it in the unlocked rental car overnight and someone took it, or it fell out of our stuff as we unloaded the car from a busy day trip to Isla Mujeres, and someone took it. Either way, I only lost my drivers license (that’s 2 hours at the DMV I’ll never get back), about $180 in cash and some credit cards that were never used, wasted 2 hours searching for the wallet and not lounging in the pool, and we aborted our planned day trip to Playa Del Carmen. No worries, though: the kids and Tanya and I were content to spend the day at the pool anyway. 

On the bright side, I did learn how to say, with perfect Spanish pronunciation, “¿Ha encontrado cualquiera mi cartera?” (Has anyone found my wallet?) and “Perdí mi cartera el miércoles por la noche” (I lost my wallet wednesday night). 

Sophia jumping in the pool...without her daddy's wallet

All in all, I think we can all agree that I came out on top.

Playing on the beach...without a wallet

And as far as the swimming cell phone and the run-in with the police? Next dispatch...

The Dangers (or benefits?) of Parental Pressure

Ella was getting in trouble at school for talking in class. My wife Tanya is also extroverted, so she empathized with our second grader. Nevertheless, she explained why it was important that Ella listen to her teacher. Ella agreed, to a point. “But, Mom, sometimes I have to talk!” she pleaded. “It’s hard for you too, isn’t it? Sometimes can’t you just say what you need to say?” 

Ella’s inherited gregariousness didn’t excuse her from paying attention in class, but it did stimulate some questions. Are we doing our young children a favor or a disservice by nurturing their inherent abilities? Is it okay to sacrifice the standard path to promote a child’s obvious talents?  

Children gravitate toward their natural tendencies regardless of their parents’ preferences. Yet we still have the ability to influence our children’s future by what we introduce to them, and our methods. We often straddle the line between facilitators and police and we can only hope our balancing act pays off when our kids become adults.    

Ella has taken guitar lessons for almost a year. She may have natural musical talent but I still have to push her to practice. There are times when I wonder if I’m pushing too hard, or if I’m simply teaching the value of hard work. Either way, I probably won’t know the answer until she’s older.   

When a child has a more obvious aptitude or talent, the challenge for parents is amplified. Mozart composed his first symphony at the age of 6. What if his parents had demanded he become a doctor because they thought music was getting in the way of his academics? The world would have been deprived of one its greatest treasures, even if he would have been a great doctor. 

On the other hand, too much specialization can lead to burnout or injury or a dearth of basic social skills, all at the expense of furthering a chosen craft. Tiger Woods could split a fairway before kindergarten but would have benefited from spending more time learning about fidelity and less with his five-iron. 

I won’t use Ella’s natural abilities as an excuse for certain behaviors, but I will try to recognize them. While Ella is more likely to be a talk show host than a mathematician, she still needs to learn the second grade curriculum. Work ethic, patience and social graces are learned traits, whether you’re a genius or not.     

In any case, I will encourage my daughter to follow her passion, whatever it is. If she decides to become the youngest mayor in the history of Fort Collins, I’ll support her. If she wants to continue playing guitar, I’ll pay for lessons and equipment and accept less time for other things. But she better finish her homework. And after watching her try soccer, tennis, dance and guitar, I still think Ella’s strongest innate abilities might be her intellect and social skills. 

Then again, I could be wrong. 

Kids and Pets

Ella got 2 pets last week: Todd and Chellsey (her spelling). Hermit crabs. Yup, the first pet buy. We caved. The pet store has a 2 week guarantee on these little creatures' lives, but I'm hoping we'll outlast it. Ella's been entrusted with feeding, dechlorinating the water and spraying these little creatures to keep them alive. Five days, and so far so good.

Wish us luck.

Swimsuit Issue

Irina Shayk on the offending SI cover.

Got my Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue last week. Of course, on the cover was a buxom brunette giving a look that would stop traffic. Not really what I'd consider appropriate material for my nearly-5-year-old, but she got to it first. She thought it was Tanya's (all you women's rights activists out there, please notice how many "women's" magazines have women in bikinis on the cover, just like my magazine which some consider soft porn) and insisted on looking at it. It became a lesson for both of us: me figuring out how much shelter I can give my impressionable young daughter when it comes to sexism and the issue of exploitation of women, and her learning about the unrealistic expectations for women in society today.

In any case, it prompted my Wee Wisdom column, which I'll post below. Got some interesting responses from women who thought my parenting skills leave something to be desired when it comes to teaching my daughters.

Everyone's an expert.

Model behavior is sometimes unrealistic

Sophia and I picked up the mail Tuesday and my Sports Illustrated had arrived. The annual swimsuit edition.

"Look, Dad," my 4-year-old said, "Mom's magazine is here."

"No, that's mine," I said, already starting to feel anxious.

Sophia laughed. "Then why does it have a girl on the front?"

Uh-oh.

My curious child insisted on looking at my magazine before I could. She flipped through the entire issue silently, apparently unaffected by anything she saw. I was prepared to answer all possible questions. Why, then, did I feel so guilty? Should I have brazenly stolen the magazine back from my child's hands so she wouldn't be corrupted?

I wouldn't choose to have my children peruse pictures of unrealistically built women wearing unreasonably scant swimsuits on a regular basis. Some of the featured bathing suits are little more than leftover fabric, and I'm still searching for the connection with sports. But Sophia got to it first, and I wasn't about to rip it from her hands just because I could. Remember, this magazine sits clearly visible on newsstands everywhere. Too late for shelter.

I waited for Sophia to ask something about the suggestive poses or the size (or lack thereof) of some of the bathing suits. Instead, she got excited about an advertisement for DirecTV, where two women in bikinis were holding remote controls.

"Dad," she said. "Look at this. That girl has the same remote as us."

I breathed a little easier, but my tension remained.

Sensationalistic and fear-based media have helped create a reactionary society, especially in matters concerning sexuality and body image. But as a parent, I've learned that being impetuous does not contribute to problem-solving. So I planned on turning this into a learning experience.

Once Ella got home from school, my wife, Tanya, and I made a point to explain to our daughters that the models in the magazine were people first and should not be judged on their appearance but their personalities. Their job was to sell bathing suits because they were pretty, but they had the same problems as everyone else. I patted myself on the back, but I still couldn't completely shake the discomfort.

I didn't know if my emotional state was born out of my own tendency toward guilt or genuine concern for my child's emotional health. On one hand, I was confident that 10 minutes of looking at photos of bikini-clad women on a beach would not affect my child more negatively than the typical beer commercial. On the other, I don't want my kids to become desensitized to our culture's penchant for over-sexualization. It's a tough call, for sure.

Later that night, I asked Sophia to point out her favorite picture. With a laugh, she turned to the back cover, another ad: a round chocolate candy wearing high heels and dangling a green M&M bathing suit in her hand.

My anxiety had finally disappeared.

Childhood Obesity

If a child is obese, it's the parent's fault. Period.

Parents are responsible for what their young children eat most of the time. Breakfast, dinner, sack lunches, snacks, vacations...like it or not, we are in charge.

I found a great website that informs and educates on nutrition and general health. (Full disclosure: my sister is a contributor. But it's still great). www.donediet.org. Check it out.

Here's this week's column.


Poor Nutrition is Scary Stuff, Even for Kids

Ella, my second-grader, has been learning about nutrition at school. She likes to make her own meals so we’ve been reading ingredients and nutrition facts on food labels. Anything high in sugar and fat, we’ve concluded, should generally be avoided.

Last week over breakfast, Sophia, my 4-year-old, said, “Some people eat sugar all the time for all their meals.”

“Do you know what happens to them?” I asked.

Ella responded, “They die.”

It’s no mystery that if one maintains unhealthy dietary habits, they will most likely die sooner than someone who makes healthier choices. We often use fear as a tactic to dissuade our children from trying drugs. But is it alarmist to compare cocaine and Coke, meth with M&M’s?

Food is a unique beast. We need it on a regular basis to sustain us, and our choices are endless. The variety of options in our prosperous nation leaves the uneducated and the unmotivated at a disadvantage.

According to the CDC, obesity in kids ages 6-11 in 2008 was nearly 20 percent, up from 6.5 percent from 1980. For adolescents (12-19 years old) it increased from 5 to 18 percent. In a population-based sample of 5- to 17-year-olds, 70 percent of obese youth had at least one risk factor for cardiovascular disease. Something must be done.

Since the best way to cure a disease is to prevent it, education is key. Part of that is understanding what happens to your body if you choose to eat junk food and watch TV all day.

Obesity greatly increases the risk of developing type II diabetes, heart disease, hypertension and some forms of cancer. Add to that a high rate of depression, lethargy and joint pains and suddenly preventing this condition warrants more than suggestions.

According to the website www.donediet.org, the most important things our kids can do are: never skip breakfast, limit sodas and juices and partake in regular physical activity. Its advice on junk food? As little as possible.

A little junk food every now and then won’t kill us, and it probably won’t upend our metabolism. But consistent overeating and inactivity can have gradual but serious health effects that often are ignored. It’s an addiction like any other. Addictions by definition are difficult to conquer.

The fear of obesity should be real for children. They need to know their choices now will impact their health in the future. Junk food is not heroin or painkillers, and its effects may not be as shocking. Over the long run, though, it can kill. We’d be doing our children a disservice if we didn’t educate them on this fact.

While the margin for error is greater with food than with drugs, the parallel is there. Fear may not always be the best motivation for children, but when it comes to their health, a small scare won’t kill them.

Not Excuse Me

Originally published in the Coloradoan on September 27, 2009


"No more candy," I said. In the gym locker room after a swim, Sophia pursed her lips and glared at her evil Daddy. Then with uncanny comic timing she, uh, passed gas. With her eyes barely visible under the shadow of furrowed eyebrows, she said in her best angry voice: "NOT excuse me!"

"You're not, not excused," I responded and got dressed.

I was proud. Sophia had articulated an honest refrain in a world rife with euphemisms.

In the name of shameless self-preservation, we adults consistently display unsavory behaviors like passive-aggression ("I'm fine") or unreasonable retorts ("It's all your fault anyway"). I often have trouble conveying genuine emotions, even to people I love and trust, for fear of feeling guilty.

While adults are jaded by experience and often depend on others to boost their self-esteem, 3-year-olds have egos the size of swimming pools and don't care about what others think. All people and events revolve around them, and as such, they make their feelings quite clear. Nothing is more important than what they feel now.

Says Dr. Angele Fauchier, a child psychologist at the University of New Hampshire, "Three-year-olds can't manipulate emotions because they don't understand what others do and do not know, and therefore can't adjust their statements to deceive others."

If only grown-ups were so transparent.

I tried to retract my developing smile quickly enough that Sophia wouldn't see my reaction. But the laughter that had been waiting inside my belly, compressed by a fatherly instinct to not embarrass my child, escaped. I looked around the locker room. No one else had witnessed my daughter's moment of honest indignation. I was forced to savor the moment alone.

Her chin lifted slightly as she too allowed herself to enjoy the levity, until she realized that she needed to feign anger just a little longer. "I'm see-wee-us," she said.

"You were so mad at me, you farted," I said in mock surprise and pinched my nose. "Pee-yew!"

She laughed and I had my window. "No sweets before dinner. That's our rule," I said.

Sophia was angry at my decision. And after I made light of a common bodily function, she forgot her frustration and heeded the rules. Our duel was over, never to be spoken of again.

Ask any parent and they'll tell you that petulance is not a favorite emotion, but is at least rooted in honesty. When Ella, my 6-year-old, or Sophia tell me I'm not their friend, I know where I stand. The tantrums and ear-shattering screams are, of not pleasant, genuine. I can deal with the noise because it's always short lived. I don't worry about my daughters holding a grudge or telling my peers to ignore me or...

As you can see, I already fear pre-adolescence.

I learned a lesson from my preschooler, who goes about her life with a clarity I envy. The next time I'm tempted to take shelter behind my pride and manipulate others with emotional trickery, I'll first consider not excusing myself.