What are the Conditions of Giving?

About a month ago, Sophia and I pulled to a stoplight next to a man with a sign asking for money. The light changed and I continued driving.

"Dad, did you not feel like giving anything today?" my 5-year-old asked.

"I'm not sure if he really needs my help," I responded.

Sophia said, "What if he does?" 

I was ashamed. My wife, Tanya, and I stress to Sophia and her 8-year-old sister, Ella, that it's everyone's responsibility to help the less fortunate, even if we can't give all we have to everyone who needs it. We have the right to choose who we help, and how much we give. Harsh as it might sound, giving is conditional. How do we explain that to our kids?

We shouldn't sacrifice our mortgage and grocery money to make a donation, but we owe it to our communities to be charitable. A person's ability and desire to give depends on many factors. We must respect and not judge how a person distributes their wealth because everyone's situation is different.

I'll admit, I rarely toss change to beggars because I think the surest way to make money is to work for it. But maybe begging is a person's last resort. What I may justify as teaching self-reliance can also be considered selfish. Strictly speaking, when I overlooked the man at the corner, I was guilty of not helping my fellow man. Sophia had a point.

Tanya organized a fundraiser at Ella's school that raised nearly $800 for Poudre Valley Hospital's Cancer Center, and Ella helped enthusiastically. But by helping only one worthy charity did Tanya and Ella willfully neglect all others? Yes, they focused on one cause this time but the effect of their actions will trickle down to others because charity elicits more charity. Also, when we're governed by a sincere desire to help others, our choices are immune to justification. It's not about for whom or how much but the purity of the intention.

Children learn from the act, not the degree. To them, if the intention is clear, a penny to a Salvation Army bell ringer is tantamount to a million dollar endowment. When we help our fellow man with a cup of coffee or a loving hug or a few attentive minutes, both giver and receiver are likely to perpetuate the cycle because both gain joy from the act. When giving comes from the heart, children learn the real lessons: generosity is contagious, exponential and necessary for survival.

While this phenomenon is ingrained in our biology, it still must be trained. And sometimes our kids teach us more than we teach them. The more I think about it, the more likely I am to change my habits and give a dollar to a street beggar. How they spend their money is not my concern. Giving is about the cause, not the effect.