Good Cop Bad Cop...Who Are You?

The other day, Sophia approached me with a cautious look on her face. “I know you’re going to say no, but I’ll ask you anyway. Can Ella and I have more chocolate?” she asked.

I answered as my 6-year-old had predicted. Her older sister Ella then turned to me and said, “Mom’s a lot nicer than you are when we ask her for stuff. She always says yes.”

While Tanya and I sometimes take different approaches, we agree on the major issues, like being kind, the value of education and making healthy food and activity choices. But Ella’s blunt assessment on our differing levels of permissiveness made me wonder: In a two-parent household, can it be healthy to have one “good cop” and one “bad cop?”

Tanya is far from overly permissive, but she tends to be more easygoing than I am about letting our girls have an extra piece of chocolate or a few more minutes in front of the television. She doesn’t do it just to be known as the “nice” parent; Tanya feels that as long as it’s the exception and not the rule, she’s not too concerned about long-term damage. I admit to being more strict, but I also don’t worry that an occasional extra sweet or late bedtime will scar my kids for life. Fortunately, we tend to agree with each other most of the time.

Parents are individuals, not robots programmed to follow checklists. We act and react, and are subject to whims and emotional manipulations. We want to be liked by our children, and often seek their approval as much as they seek ours.

Sometimes we just need a break from being in charge.

Every household is a microcosm of society in general, with variations in individual styles and personalities. Perhaps, in the same way that parents sometimes split up activity roles with the kids—one may be crafty and the other sporty, for example—we should embrace our different levels of flexibility. Kids like knowing what to expect, even if that means expecting something different from each parent.

And every now and then, when parents stray from their expected roles—Dad let us watch the WHOLE movie! Mom did a flip off the diving board!—the element of surprise can be a powerful tool in developing a strong relationship.

Just as Tanya can be pretty firm when it comes to discipline, I’m not always Mr. Rigid. In fact, I think sometimes I even surprise my wife by letting loose once in a while.

Dairy Queen for everyone — on a Wednesday!

I must admit, I was honored by Ella’s remark on my strictness. I appreciate that she acknowledges my authority. And maybe being drawn to Mom’s soft side now could prove to be beneficial when they get older.

Tanya came home from work and we ate dinner. The kids asked her, not me, if they could have dessert. She thought about it, and we shared a silent glance across the table.