How Good Do You Have It? Only Time Will Tell...

Last week while grocery shopping, I painstakingly checked the ingredients on just about every box in the cereal aisle. After much deliberation, I compromised with lightly sweetened multi-grain Cheerios. They had at least two times less sugar than many other brands but were still tasty.

The moment of truth came the next morning. “Dad, these don’t taste very good,” Ella said. “I don’t want them.”

Sophia, Ella’s 6-year-old sister, was less polite. “Eewww! These are awful!” she exclaimed in typical excessive fashion.

I explained to my daughters the dangers of eating too much sugar, especially early in the school day, when crashing an hour later wasn’t an option. I told them it was a reasonable compromise between tasteless and toothless. When they held firm in their boycott, I pulled out the “some-kids-are-so-poor-they-don’t-even-get-breakfast” card. Those kids, I said gravely, would not complain.

I want Ella and Sophia to understand the struggles of others so they can better appreciate what they have. With Thanksgiving around the corner, I wondered: Is it possible for 9- and 6-year-olds to grasp the concepts of hunger and poverty without seeing them firsthand?

Tanya and I are aware of our good fortune. Like many in our generous community, we try to impress this on our children by demonstrating acts of charity and by showing gratitude. But young children assume that what happens in their homes is normal. They aren’t born understanding how demoralizing poverty can be. And no matter how much we explain the horrors of going to bed hungry, surviving a Colorado winter without heat or wearing the same clothes every day, I fear that my children won’t really get it until they see it for themselves.

Throughout my childhood, I was always well-protected and provided for by loving, capable parents. I suppose I knew I was lucky, but I didn’t grasp the degree of my good fortune until I was on my own. Through the combination of work, travel, where I chose to live and what I did with my time — not lectures and explanations — I learned that not everyone is born with same chance to succeed and there will always be people who need help. I’m not sure I would have understood it any other way.

Having no doubts about where your next meal comes from is a privilege that eludes many children. I want my daughters to understand their advantages, as well as the tenuous and relative natures of success. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for having what they need; they shouldn’t feel bad for being comfortable. If anyone is culpable for their circumstances, it’s Tanya and me.

After my sermon, I told the girls they needed to finish their bowls or make their own breakfast. Ella finished her portion. Sophia grudgingly ate half of hers after supplementing with a tortilla with peanut butter. Both were quiet. They knew I was upset. But maybe I was the one who learned a lesson.

Breaking Rules

This summer while vacationing in Winter Park, my wife Tanya took Ella to a concert. The show finished at around 10 at night and they had to walk the quarter-mile walk back to the condo in the dark. Tanya decided to cut through someone’s yard, past a sign that warned against it.

“Mom, I’m confused,” Ella said. “At home I have to follow the rules but in Winter Park I don’t?”

After Tanya put Ella to bed and told me what our 9-year-old had said, I wondered: Are there times when it’s OK for parents to break the rules? If so, are we negatively impacting our children?

Like most parents, Tanya and I enforce certain behavioral requirements in our home. No physical violence, clean up your own mess and be kind to others. These guidelines form the basis for life skills like responsibility, healthy living and staying out of prison. But rules in general can be tricky: They’re hard to follow 100 percent of the time, hard to enforce and sometimes they don’t make much sense.

Tanya and Ella didn’t need to cut through the private yard, but Tanya was alone with her exhausted fourth-grader in complete darkness in an unfamiliar place and trusted her instincts. Breaking the rule wasn’t necessary; they got home safely, and no one’s property was destroyed. This one situation surely won’t affect Ella’s morality, even if they smudged the line between right and wrong.

Had they gotten caught in the act of trespassing, I suppose I might look at this situation differently. Maybe Ella would, in the future, be less likely to flaunt the lack of enforcement of some common societal rules, regardless of whether we OK it. I suspect Tanya would think twice, as well, but probably not to the same extent.

Some might say that a lifetime of rule breaking starts with one instance. And for some situations, like doing drugs or theft, I would agree. But we also need to be practical. While a parent’s main role is to set a positive example, that doesn’t always happen.

I’m generally an excellent rule follower, yet when I jaywalk or run into a store to use a bathroom clearly marked “Restroom for Customers Only” and don’t get caught, the lack of vigilant enforcement leads me to feel like I can do it again.

But I don’t.

That’s because a moral compass is both subjective and situational. The challenge for parents is to teach these principles while modeling them, yet somehow live our lives as the flawed beings we are. Maybe parents and children should get caught breaking rules together — to teach both parties a lesson.

Indeed, history has taught us that sometimes breaking rules can lead us forward. Galileo broke from tradition to support the solar system model we know today to be true. Rosa Parks knew that sitting in the front of the bus was her right, rules be damned. I would be proud if my child did something similar.

Surprise!

"Everybody up, we're going on an adventure."

Those were Tanya's words last Wednesday morning, October 17, at 5:45am. The kids got dressed and hustled into the car as ordered. They worked on solving their word puzzle—Sophia cried a little because it was hard for her and also because she couldn't find her shoes—but they finally solved it.




Boarding passes to San Diego in the seat pockets in front of them. And off we went!

Spent 4 nights in San Diego in a great deal of a 1 bedroom condo literally steps from the beach, SeaWorld, bike riding down to Mission Beach, lots of stops for ice cream, boogie boarding, surfing...tons of family fun. I highly recommend San Diego as a family destination. Easy to get around, took the bus and trolley (which was not only way cheaper than renting an unneeded car, but also more fun) everywhere that was too far to walk.



All in all, the trip was great family bonding time, saw some sights, and learned about getting around in a new city. My only fear is that we might have set a precedent.

Beaching it!

Ella, Tanya and Sophia

Sandy girls

Where to go next year...

Kids and Politics...What The...?

Two hours before the first presidential debate, I tried to educate my daughters on what the event was about. President Obama and Governor Romney would answer questions from a moderator, but essentially, they would argue with each other for 90 minutes. Here are the finer points of our discussion:

Ella, my fourth grader, thought the men should just be friends.

Sophia, who’s 6, disagreed. “I would love to see them argue and yell at each other!” she said, and punctuated her comment by the type of screaming she presumed would ensue in the battle.

Ella then changed her tune. “Maybe they’ll start wrestling!” she yelled. When I told her that would be unlikely, she agreed. “Yeah, they’ll be in their business suits.”

After a good laugh, I wondered if parents should engage their young children in discussions about politics. If the answer is yes, what’s the best way to do it?

Love it or hate it, politics affects us all. From the economy to social issues to foreign policy, we put our faith in the hands of our elected leaders, with the hope that they will represent our interests. We don’t always agree with what they say or do, but we’re free to voice our opinions.

Adults have the benefits of life experience and developed brains, and are capable of making informed voting decisions. Children are different. Until they are able to process and comprehend complex information, their worldview depends mostly on what their parents tell them. This can be dangerous if we display heavily biased behavior. 

Gleaning truth from political discussions, which is thick with nuance and insinuations, is elusive enough for adults. We’d all rather not have to sift through the mounds of rhetoric to get to the point. Nevertheless, the security of an authoritative word provides comfort, more for children than adults. 

It’s hard to provide both sides of every issue. We all take sides, leaving parents with the difficult task of imparting neutrality. The problem is that without filters, we risk shaping how our children think before they can do it themselves.

Ella and Sophia know how Tanya and I lean politically; we don’t keep it a secret. We also want them to know that both candidates are, at heart, good people with the best intentions. And just because they look mad at each other during the debate, doesn’t mean they are enemies. Democracy isn’t always pretty. 

As we see in every election, promises rarely turn into reality. But the essence of politics, I’m learning, is not about who’s right, but rather who most people think is right. It’s human nature to identify with a common opinion, and to savor the hope derived from it. Whatever political party my children choose to support in the future, I want them to experience that feeling.

Ella watched five minutes of the debate, a flurry of complaints, interruptions, petulance and semi-truths. “Pretty boring, right?” I asked her.

She nodded and went to bed, probably as satisfied as most adults who were watching.

Good Cop Bad Cop...Who Are You?

The other day, Sophia approached me with a cautious look on her face. “I know you’re going to say no, but I’ll ask you anyway. Can Ella and I have more chocolate?” she asked.

I answered as my 6-year-old had predicted. Her older sister Ella then turned to me and said, “Mom’s a lot nicer than you are when we ask her for stuff. She always says yes.”

While Tanya and I sometimes take different approaches, we agree on the major issues, like being kind, the value of education and making healthy food and activity choices. But Ella’s blunt assessment on our differing levels of permissiveness made me wonder: In a two-parent household, can it be healthy to have one “good cop” and one “bad cop?”

Tanya is far from overly permissive, but she tends to be more easygoing than I am about letting our girls have an extra piece of chocolate or a few more minutes in front of the television. She doesn’t do it just to be known as the “nice” parent; Tanya feels that as long as it’s the exception and not the rule, she’s not too concerned about long-term damage. I admit to being more strict, but I also don’t worry that an occasional extra sweet or late bedtime will scar my kids for life. Fortunately, we tend to agree with each other most of the time.

Parents are individuals, not robots programmed to follow checklists. We act and react, and are subject to whims and emotional manipulations. We want to be liked by our children, and often seek their approval as much as they seek ours.

Sometimes we just need a break from being in charge.

Every household is a microcosm of society in general, with variations in individual styles and personalities. Perhaps, in the same way that parents sometimes split up activity roles with the kids—one may be crafty and the other sporty, for example—we should embrace our different levels of flexibility. Kids like knowing what to expect, even if that means expecting something different from each parent.

And every now and then, when parents stray from their expected roles—Dad let us watch the WHOLE movie! Mom did a flip off the diving board!—the element of surprise can be a powerful tool in developing a strong relationship.

Just as Tanya can be pretty firm when it comes to discipline, I’m not always Mr. Rigid. In fact, I think sometimes I even surprise my wife by letting loose once in a while.

Dairy Queen for everyone — on a Wednesday!

I must admit, I was honored by Ella’s remark on my strictness. I appreciate that she acknowledges my authority. And maybe being drawn to Mom’s soft side now could prove to be beneficial when they get older.

Tanya came home from work and we ate dinner. The kids asked her, not me, if they could have dessert. She thought about it, and we shared a silent glance across the table.

Power Trip?

On the day of President Barack Obama’s visit to Fort Collins, I had to pick up Ella and Sophia after their dance class. The president had finished his speech, so we had to wait at Horsetooth and College for a few minutes until traffic opened up. Outside the Marriott on Horsetooth, we saw secret service agents and police cars out front, and no cars were being allowed through.

Ella, my fourth grader, asked, “Why do they block off all the streets?”

I explained about the many security concerns and added, “When you’re the president, you get to go where you want, when you want.”

“Then I definitely want to be president!” yelled Sophia, Ella’s 6-year-old sister.

I tried to explain that in a democracy like ours, the president doesn’t necessarily get everything he wants. Nevertheless, the rest of the ride home Ella and Sophia listed all the laws they would enact when they became president. I was encouraged by their vision, but also leery of their hunger for power, which led me to ask: What does having power really mean for children?

Great ideas often begin when a vision—be it a desire, need, or hope—takes root inside a person’s brain. From Edison’s light filament to Ghandi’s peaceful protests, the world’s great visionaries all required one common element to make their ideas work: power. Not the kind that corrupts, but the kind that drives us forward and makes people listen to what we have to say.

True power is more than the ability to control people or situations. It’s the feeling that comes with listening to our inner voice. Sometimes, paradoxically, we need to give it up in order to retain it. (You parents know what I’m talking about.)

We’re certainly not born with it, and some adults never truly gain it. But if we give our children the proper tools—love, trust, safety, self-esteem—I suspect they’ll be more likely to develop their own personal power and use it wisely.

Sophia said that if she were president, she would make smoking illegal everywhere. Ella said she would make a law against wars. I smiled at their suggestions and refrained from offering a dour commentary on how unrealistic they were. After all, the first step toward gaining power is desire.

The upcoming election is, as usual, bringing out the worst in all of us. And with the recent tragedy in the Aurora movie theater and the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks fresh in our minds, the notions of power and its sometimes heinous repercussions are inescapable. In our society, power tends to represent freedom, but in the wrong hands can morph into its evil twin: suppression. As a parent, I’m acutely aware that sometimes, it takes more energy not to wield it.

Perhaps the trick to using one’s power responsibly is to acquire it early in life. If children can safely learn how to gain it, when to use it and when to give it up, maybe they won’t be so obsessed with it as adults.

Parents Caring for Kids Caring for Parents

My daughters and I were driving down Shields Street and passed the Elderhaus, which provides day programs for adults with disabilities or special needs. Ella, my 9-year-old, asked me why a grown-up would need day care.

“Sometimes when people get old, they need help, like little kids,” I explained. “And it gives the people who take care of them a little break. It can be stressful to care for someone around the clock.”

I thought for a moment, then asked, “Would you take care of me and Mom when we get old?”

Ella replied, “I’ll have my own kids!”

Thankfully, Ella’s 6-year-old sister, Sophia, eased my concern. “Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll take care of you guys.”

I wondered: is it fair for parents to expect their grown children to take care of them in their old age?

Caring for young children and the elderly require many of the same skills: time, patience, money and a lot of physical and mental energy. But no one expects children to change their own diapers or teach themselves how to make a sandwich. We also know that within a few years, kids become independent and, for the most part, manage themselves. By that time, parents should be free to enjoy their free time, as well as middle-age and retirement years without the burdens of keeping someone alive and healthy.

Not so fast.

While we all strive to live long, healthy lives, aging brings challenges that affect older people as well as their caregivers. Things don’t always work out as planned.

Aging takes responsible planning, reliable support and a little luck.

Bodies fail, and money doesn’t last forever. Dementia and disease can debilitate someone quickly, necessitating round-the-clock care for basic daily activities. Without dutiful parents, the aged are forced to depend on another source. Certainly, grown children who live nearby are an option, but they have jobs and lives and, as Ella intimated, their own children.

The ideal solution, I suspect, is different for every family. I may have to help my own parents someday, and my sister and I would do what was necessary to preserve their dignity.

I would love for my kids to be able to help me and Tanya when we get old, but I’m not sure I feel comfortable expecting it. We spend countless amounts of energy helping our girls maximize their potential so they can enjoy their lives.

Helping me in the bathroom isn’t quite what I had in mind.

In my job at the hospital, I’ve witnessed many situations where families become stressed because of the medical needs of an ill, aging parent. Thankfully, there are places like Elderhaus to ease the burden. They don’t relieve caregivers completely, but it’s enough to let them recharge. Depending on what life hands us, that may be the best we can hope for.

And as I told Ella and Sophia: I don’t expect them to give up everything for me, but I’d sure be happy to have them around.